T is for Tortoise

This micro article is an advertorial for my Beautiful Wife’s Crafts. What you are seeing here is a work in progress commission. He will look a a lot more cheerful when finished….

Now this is not any old Hermann or Horsfield. This is the only Tortoise that is guaranteed not to wander off and eat your Geraniums. Vets bills are non existent, Care after purchase is so simple you’d think you were looking after a rock…What you have been looking at, in awe, is possibly the easiest garden pet / guard creature / companion / life long friend available.

He or she, is gender assignable, neutral, or fluid, depending on your daily preference, or prevailing fashion. The males are reputed to be slightly more reliable, on account of being less bright. Point them at a simple task, and we find they lack the imagination to get bored and wander off.  The females are a bit more fickle, and you would be well advised to move your Proceso up off the floor.

Your Tortoise, and it will be yours, because you simply must have one, is a unique hand crafted entity, available to adopt to order. By ordering your wonderful tortoise, you have disposed immediately of any of the slightly inconvenient questions on the morality of owning another sentient creature. Free from that angst, you can sit back, relax, and celebrate not having to buy anymore pet food.

Unlike those other tortoises, your unique tortoise will arrive fully grown, and toilet trained. You will not require complicated and expensive heat mats, vivariums, electronic lamp controllers and a host of other equipment. There is no risk of failing to achieve maturity, and no hibernation to manage.

If you seek loyal companionship, then simply set your Tortoise close to your favorite place, and align it to be gazing lovingly in your direction. Every time you look up, you will almost feel the imaginary love flowing towards you. He or she or whatever is an undemanding companion, who will never get bored of your conversation, never yawn, wander off, fall asleep, or abandon you for another. He or she ( and so on ) will always be there for you, never interrupt, never tire of your moaning about her up or him down the road, and never, under any circumstances, eat your last malteser. No more arguments about which channel to watch, your choice will always be the perfect one.  

Your adopted friend can be more than a companion. Some of our Tortoises are faithfully and productively employed in front of the house duties. Here you can be assured that the fixed stare will intimidate any unwelcome visitors, or sales persons without an appointment. Neither rain nor snow, heat, or cold will affect them, too much. Their sense of duty is impeccable. They are fearless, resolute, and hard as a rocky like substance. What more could you ask for? No sizzling sausage or juicy steak will distract this guard tortoise. They are impervious to temptation.

If the Garden is your thing, then pride of place must surely be reserved for your Tortoise. Your prize plants will now be protected from roaming bands of  homeless wild tortoises, who could otherwise graze the garden down to the bed rock. For 24/7 peace of mind, all year round, you know what to get.

If you are not already wondering how to obtain one of these, then don’t delay, order today.

Value is high, (as is the cost of course), but what price can you put on such a unique and adaptable guilt free and rewarding addition to your life.

Please note, your Tortoise is gluten free and suitable for vegans to own as well.

Prices start at £25.

Boy tortoises cost just a little bit more, obviously. More complex paint jobs will attract a premium. You will not be surprised to know there is a waiting list. The sooner you order, the sooner you can wait. We may be open to outrageous bribes, but please ensure you pitch high as to avoid offence and disappointment. Money talks!  


Have a nice day…..